In our continued effort to stay current on pseudo realistic industry innovations, The Trailer has discovered a virtual assistant but for the jobsite. Like Amazon's Alexa or Siri but for the jobsite, Trailer Tom will answer all young engineer, lead men and foreman questions. Currently in testing by Construction Crew Innovations, it will eventually answer all questions an old, grumpy and swashbuckling general superintendent would normally answer. In addition to general search engine capabilities, contract documents can be uploaded and included with its search capabilities. To make sure young project team members don't get soft from less interaction with irritable and grump industry veterans, it will utilize a male voice that yells responses in an unpredictably condescending manner.
Examples of dialogue in response to the first question are:
Did you ask me another question?
Was that a f**cking question FNG?
That's stupid. You're stupid. Did your Mom drop you when you were a baby?
It's simple math. You want me to teach you 3rd grade math? You're kidding me right?
What did you say? You gotta be on drugs. That's probable cause for a drug test.
Example Trailer Tom question responses are:
Yes, there are 27 cubic feet in a yard of concrete. Do you even know how many cubic feet that are in a cubic foot? Yes, there are 27 cubic feet of material in a yard of soil.
Yes, skinny jeans, in theory, are an acceptable kind of pants to wear on the jobsite.
No, our project will not put together a soccer team. Soccer is still fairly wonky to most Americans, construction workers included.
No, while everyone on the job may laugh, you can't use a hoverboard to get around on the job.
Why do I f**cking cuss so f**cking much? Have you met your-f**cking-self?
No, you don't need two separate tape measures to measure twice and cut once. Just pull two measurements with the same dadgum one.
How did I get in touch with them so fast? I picked up the phone and called them.
Closing dialogue that Trailer Tom may use:
Anything else you'd like to waste my time with?
Do you need help tying you shoes, too?
Glad I could help. What's your Mom's number? I want to help her help you too. I'm gonna text her to be ready to give you a hug this afternoon.
Make sure to write that down and remember it. I don't want you to bother me about that again.
If you don't stop asking questions and start working, I'm going to replace you with my 9 year old.
If any of my responses offended you, please fill out a Hurt Feelings Report and put it in the circular file.
This was only a partial list of dialogue Tom may use. It will evolve and grow as it secretly listens to conversations in The Trailer then catalogs updates in its knowledge base and library. Construction Crew Innovations is optimistic that Trailer Tom will experience widespread use in the industry. Because superintendents who are full of experience sometimes don't look forward to slowing down to answer questions and because young industry professionals aren't big fans of excessive face to face interaction it could be a great trailer solution. By purchasing a Trailer Tom or two superintendents can guarantee that the next generation is being mentored and educated on the technical aspects of our industry while also toughening them up with friendly sarcasm. Young professionals can get all their questions answered from a safe space while also limiting face to face and personal interactions.
A warning should be noted at this point. Trailer Tom should only be used in The Trailer. Unlike superintendents who clean up their language a bit when in the main office, Tom stays true to himself and his language no matter where he is.
***This was another Fake Construction News article. Stay tuned for more***
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